you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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