My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
