My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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