tell your sister to shave her snatch
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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