All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
