From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
