I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
