Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
