Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
