Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
