I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
