You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
worst night to have a conscience
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
