But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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