so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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