I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
