how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
