Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
