I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
