the condom got lost in my hair
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
