3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
