Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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