Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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