I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
