I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you still have your period?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
