My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
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on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
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Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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