All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
