Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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