So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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