i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
