I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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