just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
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I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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