Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
