She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
