So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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