My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
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im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
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gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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