I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
