great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
