so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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