Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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