btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
