ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
