You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
