I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
