dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
