my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize