I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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