I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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