dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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