I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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