Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
zippers are such a cool invention
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
