I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
