When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
