I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
