I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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