i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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