So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
