i already hear my dad disowning me
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
