In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
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Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
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It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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