Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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