I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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